Written in a Cold Night

"I could sense the dreary winter night settling down as my fingers clasped the base of my palm and I immersed into the ghetto of my doubts, again.

On nights like these I feel intellectually lazy, morally cynical and emotionally disastrous. And the firmaments of time lead me slowly to a chamber; a chamber deaf of noise and blind of glimmer.

When the stains of the ‘what ifs’ eclipse the clouds of my ambition, yet again. Slowly the feeling of discouragement overwhelms, turns me inside out, and I am in no time on the pilgrimage to self-doubt and uncertainties.

On nights like these my thoughts slumber on leaves falling and cold winds coming, on fiery sands and sinking ships, while my music is centered at doleful songs.

But tonight was different. In that dull, dense night, I could hear someone telling me not to get bogged down in the ‘hows’ again. Somebody out-cried, asking me to be self-confident and remain persistent on the journey set on. It told me about a light that forever shines, and that scattered showers someday bring the rain too.

Like a moon, I was climbing the skies with sad steps but now I desperately wanted to turn my way to the fair sunshine in a summer’s day. I needed a one-time panacea to cure this fearful symmetry.

And so, I decided to drive- I sat on the seat and turned on the headlights- It was dark and I could not see much beyond, and definitely not my goalpost, but anyhow I drove today.

I decided I shall be the bearer of hope, of belief, and I vowed to not look in the rearview mirror, for I did not want to be the Satan who trampled her own dreams.

I took a huge leap of faith. I decided to go beyond my fears and hesitation, and ride however. 
What worse could happen? This leap of faith could turn out to be a terrible judgment but that would morph me into being a learner. And as long as I am a part of the pursuit and am a winner or learner but not the leftover, I will transfuse glory in every turn I drive into. The terrible judgment would march me towards a good judgment the next time.

But what if, the wings I have lost hope on, when flapped, make my fate and choices work in concert? What if, I relieve my languish and restore my light?

And hence I decided to gather tears and trembling of distress and chase the glowing hours. That I will let my own dirty little hands suffice to model my tomorrow and rest my weary limbs on beds of asphodel.

My giant has awakened today. Taking action is important. Bringing myself low every time and shunning this voice in my heart has only wrecked me, made me exhausted yet stagnant.

And as I reaffirm, I tell myself that it is fine to peer deep into the hollow darkness, to wonder, fear, and doubt your dreams. I am going to be tested, and it is on days like these that I have to remain purposeful. The trick is to disarm the petty cavils of my mind, to be grateful and hope the caper doesn’t end soon.

This time I shall linger, turn back, shrink, only when death avenges or I have been incapacitated. I shall not repress my tears, nor turn blind eyesight to my faithlessness. I won’t keep it in captivity either.

Rather than dwelling in the midst of alarms, I would reign in this uneasy place. Rather than yearning to hear the sweet music of halcyon, I shall start the sound of my own. Rather than wanting to maintain the status quo, I would run into the wild with fury, dramatic pangs and defiance.

And so, I danced with the stars in the moonlit sky designing the glorious odyssey I was going to be the master of."